RED CORNER DRESSING ROOM
He flexes in front of the cracked mirror. Slaps his chest twice like he's revving an engine. MAGA hat backwards. Flag shorts pulled up so tight they might scream. AR-15 tattoo peeks out from his shoulder.
"This is for freedom. This is for beef, God, Ford trucks, and the 2nd Amendment."
Checks his belt. No gun allowed in the octagon. So he tucks a tiny Constitution into his glove tape instead.
The coach — a balding guy in an "Alpha Mindset" hoodie — leans in:
"Remember, bro, no actual facts. Just dominance. Volume beats evidence. Truth is for pussies."
He nods. Shadowboxes a little. Throws an elbow at an imaginary immigrant. Marches into the arena.
BLUE CORNER DRESSING ROOM
They adjust their nose ring in the greenroom mirror. Patchwork tattoos of slogans stitched across their arms.
NO JUSTICE, NO PEACE
LAND BACK NOW
CANCEL COLONIALISM
A rainbow flag cape drapes over their shoulders like a superhero. A pronoun pin glints in the fluorescent light.
"They/Them/Legends Only."
"This is for progress. This is for dismantling whiteness, Defunding thoughtcrime, And protecting sacred safe spaces."
Their coach — a woman with a name tag labeled
EMOTIONAL ACCOUNTABILITY EXPERT
"If they come with facts, cry. If they come with cries, shame. If they come with shame, escalate."
The blue corner breathes into a compostable paper bag. Marches into the arena.
THE WALKOUT
Two different anthems play.
One is country music blasted through a bullhorn
The other lo-fi beats with progressive taglines whispered backwards
The combatants don't make eye contact. They're staring at the mirror world inside their head. Already victorious. Already oppressed.
The Octagon's gate slams shut behind them.
Locks.
Lights flash blood-red and bruise-blue. Let's get it on!
ROUND ONE
The ref. A hologram. Face glitching between ethnicities, to avoid offending any party. Reads the rules. Nobody listens.
Bell rings.
The fighters sprint to the center.
And….
…scream!
No punches. No kicks. No flying armbars.
They scream inches from each other's face. Spittle flying, veins bulging. But never making actual contact.
"FASCIST!" "CUCK!" "BIGOT!" "GROOMER!" "INSURRECTIONIST!" "GLOBOHOMO!"
The words land like ghost jabs. No substance. No impact.
"ZIONIST PIG!" "MARXIST SLUT!" "PEDO ENABLER!" "AMERICA HATER!"
The crowd cheers, boos, glitches. Somewhere in the rafters a bot army claps with perfect mechanical rhythm.
ROUND 2
They fighters circle. Words drip like sweat.
Neither listens. Each thinks they're demolishing Evil Itself.
Each believe their next line will be the knockout blow that saves their world.
They don't notice:
The cage floor fracturing under their feet.
The audience thinning into static.
Their voices autocorrecting themselves into nonsense.
The Red Corner shouts:
"YOU'RE THE REASON AMERICA SUCKS!"
The Blue Corner screeches:
"YOUR EXISTENCE IS VIOLENCE!"
Neither blow lands. Neither has landed anything for years.
Between rounds: The referee disappears, deleted by budget cuts. Advertisers inject targeted rage-boosters directly into both side's water bottles. The combatants don't notice. They can only fight on.
ROUND 3
The crowd is gone. Only advertisers and con artists remain.
Ads glitch across the jumbotron:
PharmaCloud: Outrage Relief™
MetaBank: Funding Both Sides
The fighters slip on their own expletives. Words piled so high they can barely move.
"I'M A PATRIOT!"
"I'M A VICTIM!"
Neither can remember what started the fight.
Neither can remember why winning mattered.
Both believe it's the final round.
Wrong.
The algorithm won't allow it.
AND THE WINNER IS…
Nobody.
The cage door rusts shut.
The arena lights flicker. Then fail.
The last real human watching turns off their screen. Goes to bed. Dreams of grass. Dreams of silence. Dreams of a world without flags.
In the owner's box, the trillionaires count their harvest.
Another good fight. Another strong fiscal year.
Another generation taught to mistake fury for freedom.
I had a few, and am grateful you shared! (Makes me sound like an alcoholic)
This was highly entertaining and hammers the point across excellently.
While not an American, we clearly agree on the subject matter!
Well done.
Exactly. Neither side is serving anymore. Elections are at best a ‘lesser of evils’ roulette